rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
