I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
