Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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