i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have aggressive nipples.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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