sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
