I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
