I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
mondays should just be called national damage control day
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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