She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize