Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
