True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
