no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
