8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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