remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize