you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
