A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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