My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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