Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
