hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Randomize
