Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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