Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
