party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
