Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
