Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
