did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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