oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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