it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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