I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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