Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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