HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
