Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
