I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
