I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
