five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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