Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
