Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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