I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
