My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
