Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All the doctor said was why
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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