dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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