Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
