I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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