I wish they made helmets for livers.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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