you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
