If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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