I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
