Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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