Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
