I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
