i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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