I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
