Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
