youre lurking in front of me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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